I have just finished a poem. please may i have your opinions? easy points. best answer to constructive critics

Daisy, across the Broadway path


The girl with fame


In place of a heart





Singing out those small-town blues


Tied down to the past,


By buckle-up shoes





She would watch her stars


Each day and night


The walk of fame, her paradise





As the sun went down,


She lost disguise, un-zipped her top


Spread out her thighs





A snort of crack, a quick shoot up


Bubbles gone, she’s back on top


Time to grace her stage again





Oh, such a glamorous way


To pay the bills, greasy poles


And one night thrills





She dreamt of meeting Spielberg


To stand up with Monroe


Yet all she earned was money


From those in the front row





She always wanted to be a star,


She was my star


She’s fallen now.














please bear in mind i am only13


and have missed a year of schooling, so my grammar and patterns may be incorrect.


apologies.





thank you in advance.

I have just finished a poem. please may i have your opinions? easy points. best answer to constructive critics
I see you took my advice and wrote a poem about a girl who becomes a prostitute due to desperation, and I really like the mood you set with this poem, you did an excellant job. At first glance I was not too crazy about it because of the irregular rhyming patterns you used, but then again, I am a rhyming poet myself, free verse is just not me. But on second glance, you were setting the mood of the story, the introduction of a small town girl dreaming of being famous





The part I really liked was stanzas 4-6:





%26quot;As the sun went down,


She lost disguise, un-zipped her top


Spread out her thighs





A snort of crack, a quick shoot up


Bubbles gone, she’s back on top


Time to grace her stage again





Oh, such a glamorous way


To pay the bills, greasy poles


And one night thrills%26quot;





This was when you rhymed the most. This really showed the raw and graphic nature of what happens when a girl falls into desperation looking for fame without sucess, potential, or education- prostitution. You painted a very desperate scene, such as %26quot;spread out thighs%26quot;, %26quot;greasy poles%26quot;, %26quot;one night thrills%26quot;, %26quot;the snort of crack%26quot;, %26quot;unzipped top%26quot; etc.





I find everything else to be good, until the last stanza:





%26quot;She always wanted to be a star,


She was my star


She’s fallen now%26quot;





The description is poetic and profound, but what is the meaning behind it? Of course the narrative was in 3rd person I assume, but the reference to %26quot;She was my star, She’s fallen now%26quot; leaves me confused as to who the narrator is, perhaps a former bf/lover, but how would he have known of all this if she moved to Hollywood? I felt it was confusing.





But overall, I would certainly give this poem a 9 out of 10, because it painted a interesting story that was a tale of dreams and hopes mixed with pain and sorrow. I take one point away for the confusing ending, but overall, it was excellant through and through. Good luck and keep writing.
Reply:Everything up to the last two lines is great. I don%26#039;t see any grammatical problems, and even if they%26#039;re there, poetry doesn%26#039;t have to follow grammatical rules like regular prose; in fact, in most cases it shouldn%26#039;t.


However, your ending lines sound weak; the sentiment expressed is good, but you say it in a way that has become cliche. Try to think of something more original than the fallen star metaphor.
Reply:Hey kiddo. Not bad, but a little bit moralistic, for my taste. I think the ideas are conventional. I%26#039;d rather see a poem about how she still struggles for artistic integrity, even in this terrible situation.
Reply:I must say first off that I hate poetry!!! I think this is a great poem though. You showed your emotion and by the time I got to the end I felt bad for you and her. Great job like I said I hate poetry but you got me with this one so kudos.
Reply:I like the top verses, they have a jaunty rhythm. And I like the cynicism of the third to last verse.


I%26#039;m undecided about the last verse.
Reply:Pretty well for a 13 year old. Personally, prefer the ending of your poem as it rhyms best =).
Reply:It%26#039;s amazing! I sometimes wish I could write like that.



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